Night Brain

8.22.2016

Bryan says good night and promptly falls into a deep sleep within five seconds of his head hitting the pillow. He's exclusively a mouth breather (he says he can't sleep with his mouth closed, and yet miraculously he never wakes up in the middle of the night LIKE THIS or with a sore throat?) and I try in vain for the next hour or so to fall asleep, regretting the cup of coffee I had twelve hours prior that wrecked my REM cycle.

This is not our bed. If it were ours, our cat would have eaten the flowers and thrown up on that great linen duvet. Just needed to include it because I am super into the pink accent thing lately.  (Source)

Meanwhile, I'm over on my side of the bed trying to figure out how to follow suit (minus mouth breathing). It goes kind of like this:

11:15  I should really look at my phone less
11:16  I'm going to start getting a hump in my neck from looking down all the time
11:17  I'll look like a vulture
11:18  Or Snoopy when he pretended he was a vulture on top of his doghouse
11:19  I can't believe Snoopy was a beagle. He didn't look anything like a beagle.
11:20  Now that I think of it, his face when he was pretending to be a vulture kind of looked like a sagging boob.
11:21  Googles "Snoopy pretending to be a vulture" (image result: verified)
11:22  But really, my neck is going to be destroyed. What if I need surgery?
Maybe I should google that.
11:23  Oh man, why did I google this. Not only is my neck doomed, but my thumbs are going to be deformed when I am older and the blue light from my phone is destroying my brain and even when I DO fall asleep I'm probably not even really asleep.
11:24 Okay, seriously no more phone. Definitely not getting on Pinterest - because I'll start trying to pin things I've already pinned and become distressed at my pin amnesia and my short term memory loss that is probably from looking at my phone.
11:25  Retires phone to night stand
11:26  Maybe I should take deep breaths to try to relax and fall asleep now.
11:27  You know, it's kind of weird how you can't see the back of your eyelids.
11:28  It's also weird how you can't really know the moment you fall asleep - you know, it just HAPPENS.
11:29  Except now I'm thinking about it and I will never fall asleep because I'm waiting for it. I'M DOOMED

*There are variations of this in different seasons of life. Though the thoughts stay the same, the routine changes a bit. For instance:

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Pregnancy Night Brain! Thanks to the acidity in coffee, I can't drink it (lest I desire to violently retch for several hours after), but the plus side of abstaining is that I fall asleep quickly. However, my bladder has been compromised by a tiny lanugo-coated human that requires trips to the bathroom about four to five times every night. This seems unfortunate, but it's actually amazing because once the baby is born your body is used to waking up every two hours.

11:15 Should I get up to pee again? Do I have to pee?
11:16 Okay I should go pee

Fall asleep for a few hours...

2:30 Must pee. Will I be able to roll over this time? Or will the giant baby finally crush and destroy my organs when I try and I'll die? Okay, I will get up
2:31 Good news, out of bed - didn't die, but my pelvis is definitely broken. Need to remember to ask the doctor if he's sure there isn't another baby hiding in there. Should write it on a note in my phone. NO, DON'T PICK UP YOUR PHONE REMEMBER THE BLUE LIGHT

Repeat several more times until morning. 

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Postpartum Night Brain! The baby is out! My body is large and empty and squishy and leaking and WHY AM I SWEATING SO MUCH.

11:15 Okay, the baby is sleeping. I need to sleep, too. SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS

Fall asleep for an hour

12:15 Is he breathing? IS HE BREATHING
12:16 What is even wrong with me WHY DID I POKE THE BABY NOW HE'S AWAKE
12:17 NO BRYAN HE DOESN'T NEED TO EAT I JUST FED HIM
12:18 Okay fine maybe I should just feed him

Baby falls back asleep

12:25 Bryan, I'm sorry I whisper yelled at you with anger in my voice, I love you
12:26 No, I don't know why I'm sweating so much
12:27 Okay, love you good night

Repeat several times until morning, until you finally stop poking the baby and waking him unnecessarily.

What is your night brain like? Are you a smart and virtuous human that leaves their phone out of the bedroom? Are you a mouth breathing sleeper like Bryan?