Travel Advisory

1.30.2012

Has anyone else noticed how horribly stereotypical  flight attendants are portrayed in television and film? 


We are either shamelessly promiscuous, annoyingly close talkers that speak an inch from passengers' faces, or ready at any moment to shove a taser into someone's neck. (Not to mention, Christina Ricci's character on Pan Am stabbed a first class passenger for getting fresh - and they were able to subdue him by offering free cocktails).

I'm just trying to make a living like everyone else.

I'm just trying not to walk through the terminal with my dress tucked into my pantyhose.

I'm just trying not to fall down and end up on YouTube.


Of course I can get you a blanket.


That being said, I am fully confident we can really enjoy our time together up in our flying tube in the sky. 


We CAN live together in perfect harmony. 


If you've ever experienced a crotchety stewardess, I would like to apologize on behalf of us all. In most instances, I believe the attitude is uncalled for. But for posterity's sake, here are some tips to ensure that your flight attendant does not experience an internal rage attack, and that YOU have an enjoyable flight:



  • If you begin to feel as if you are about to share the contents of your stomach with the rest of the cabin, notify one of us and we will provide you with a garbage bag. Sure, you have a 'sick bag' in your seat pocket for circumstances such as these - but I feel the size of those bags are best suited for people that are able to vomit in only two tablespoon quantities. If you are not one of those people, PLEASE JUST ASK FOR A GARBAGE BAG. 

  • Airports, conveniently enough, have little shops where people can purchase food with currency. They are typically called restaurants. Please keep this in mind before you board the plane and ask for ten bags of peanuts in hopes of making it a sustainable meal. Unfortunately, we do not have the capability of running a Seven Eleven from our galleys.

Are you sure you turned that phone off? It looks like you just put it to sleep. But what do I know? I've never seen a cell phone before.


  • Maybe you've experienced the frustration of having to check a bag at the last minute. Please know that it's just as disheartening for us to have to do it. This means we ran out of space in the overhead bins. This could also mean that someone decided to take up an entire bin with their coat or garment bag. Just remember that when you store your stuff. Make room for everyone. Don't be the guy that thinks he has the plane to himself. That guy is a total butthead.


  • One in every five million passengers I come in contact with bring the flight attendants treats. As in, went out of their way to show appreciation by bringing us brownies or candies. Just to be nice. For no reason at all. I don't even check them for poison, I just eat them. You will earn approximately ten million passenger points by this small gesture. I might even bring you a drink.


  • Warm and snotty tissues. Delicious. Please locate the trash receptacles nearest you, keeping in mind they may be behind you.

It would be my honor to take that snotty tissue from you.


  • Do not book a tight connection. I repeat. Do not book. A tight connection. Give yourself at least an hour and a half in between your connections. For your sanity, and your blood pressure. Make sure you are accounting for the amount of time it takes to deplane, and how big your connecting airport is. There is nothing more stressful than realizing you have to run off the plane and go to the farthest terminal. Think of all the factors going in to your flight - mechanical issues, weather, air traffic, medical emergencies. The possibilities are endless. Like Scar said, be prepared.

When all is said and done - we are getting paid to take care of you. If that means being a waitress, garbage woman, nurse, entertainer (um, not in a gross way), or therapist, I'll help in whatever way I can. 


I understand people pay a lot of money to fly. 

I just also know your mother didn't raise you to act a fool. Now let's hug. 

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